OK, so I’m 58 years old. Which is almost … well, let’s not talk about that number. It makes no sense. But what does make complete sense is that I have almost six decades of history of living on luck, ignorance, and hope. I have always just assumed that my body will get me through. And maybe it still can, but I’m having doubts. Serious doubts.
I know I’m not 20 anymore. Or 30, 40, or even 50. A body with this many miles is supposed to be a little worn. I get all that. But … I’m not ready for the junk pile. Not quite yet anyway.
I read somewhere that it takes 30 days to make a habit. A number I’m semi-willing to call BS on. For those of us with the procrastination gene, we can undo that at a moments notice. No, I cannot just assume that repetition for a month will lead to everlasting change. I have to see the reason why and want to keep that reason close.
So, what’s broken? Well … shit. That list is long, apparently. And broken isn’t a word I’d use freely. I’m thinking more like … why aren’t I comfortable in my own skin anymore? I have no desire to prance around with bulging muscles, run a marathon, or even date a supermodel (I already do!). But I want to be able to get an idea for an adventure and be able to do it without a single concern if I’m mentally or physically able. That should be a given.
I sub-titled my YouTube Channel “Mastering The Second Half of Life”. Quite a catchy phrase, don’t you think? Looks great on paper. Only … I ain’t mastering squat. I have dozens of video scripts documented in the spreadsheet, and nothing gets made. I still lament about my tiredness and then stuff doughnuts in my face, expecting them to somehow turn into vitamin pills. I am simply not walking the walk.
Do I think I can do this? Change? It’s been elusive for the majority of my life. I have at times pushed and succeeded at most things, only to let them slide away. Living this sad little sine wave of ups and downs. Perhaps it’s time to either get myself where my mind wants it to be, or change my mind. Or perhaps just shut the f*** up and stop whining. Accept that I’m better at ideas than creation.
So what’s on the ole list of things? I’m sure if you’re anywhere near my age and odometer reading, you might share some of these:
- Mental Health / Hobbies / Focus
Just your usual small things, right? Obviously some sound simple … just go to the gym. And yes, I used to be a gym-rat. Hated every freaking second of it. Yea, I looked damn good, but the price was miserable. No way I could and can maintain that. Flexibility? I once was able to drop into the splits with ease. That was 30 years ago. Now my toes are elusive. And sometimes my knees. Weight? Yep, I’ve got it. Comfort in my skin? Nope. Not even close. I can’t even manage to brush my teeth first thing every morning, so how am I expected to fight off anxiety attacks from my relentless fears?
No, this is going to require some outside the box thinking and resolution. And it needs to start with more than just the symptoms and problems above. I need to dig down to the rocky core of me and set a new foundation. Figure out what drives my desires and determine what I really want. I have some ideas on the subject, ones that I’m extremely hesitant to face, for they will require more of a change than simply eating better and doing burpies. And I honestly don’t know if I have it in me. Because it’s going to require this old soul to make some serious wholesale changes.
So … take a shit? Remove myself from the pot? Damn good questions. Should I document this decision via words and video? Show myself some progress? Quietly make some attempts in case I fail, thus saving me face? Or perhaps get to the very core of the issue and just get started? Perhaps I’ll take the rest of the day and figure that out. It’s only my life, after all. 🙂